I am a perfectionist and while sometimes it is a good thing, most times, it’s not. I want everything to be perfect and that includes my life. That includes my attitude and me of all people should know we are imperfect beings and while we can work on ourselves to be better, we can never be perfect. God is the only one capable of perfection. I know who I am; I know my strengths and weaknesses and I take my values very seriously. Before I do many things, I ask myself if it will reflect what I preach, what I write about and tell people to do. Would it reflect Christ who I have let the world know I stand for?! I ask myself those questions and it has helped me not to do things I would later regret. I tell myself I am a strong girl and I tell myself I know what my moral compass will never allow me do. But I failed myself, I fell short of the perfect pedestal I have placed myself on and I found it hard to forgive myself. Why? Because I am meant to be perfect; because I am a strong girl; because I know what is right; because I cannot believe I am capable of throwing an important value to the wind.
I once told Toyole after reading a story that it’s funny how humans are capable of doing things we never thought we would do. We will always think we will stand, atleast stand strongly in a particular area until we fall. Why do we always think we are invisible until we get touched and we realize that indeed we are mere mortals? Mere mortals that have the capability to fail and make mistakes and disappoint others and most importantly ourselves. I told Toyole that I would never condemn a person or judge them though I can judge their acts. I wouldn’t judge them because I recognise the function of grace, mercy and strength from God operating in my life. I understand that I can fall just like that person fell and the only chord that has been holding me together is the grace of God. So I will not look down on the person that made a mistake. I will just talk to them about the mistake they made and tell them the truth- the truth which is the word of God and tell them to get under the umbrella of grace too. I told Toyole I did what I never in a million years thought I would do as it goes against everything I stand for and I do not know how to get back. I do not know how to totally move on and forgive myself. I failed myself. My weakness got revealed and I am finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that I am not perfect. I will not always do what is right even when I know what is right. And that unforgiveness that sometimes rips my heart apart is caused by pride and unforgetfulness.
Yes, pride because I have not fully accepted who I am. I know who I am in Christ and I am a strong black woman. An independent, purposeful and resilient black woman who is also aware of her weakness. But pride has not allowed me fully accept that weakness. Pride has not allowed me accept the fact that I am a human with short comings and its okay if I sometimes make mistakes because we learn a great deal from mistakes if we allow ourselves to. It’s just not okay for me to keep making the same mistakes and for me not to learn how to move on from the mistake. If I don’t forget, I will never really release myself because I will always remember how I fell short of ‘perfection’ and I won’t be able to fully forgive myself.
I think it’s easier to forgive people than it is to forgive ourselves especially when we have certain expectations of how we should be. For anyone out there that is like me, you have to release yourself. Please, you have to before it will cause damage. It will not be easy to forget whatever it is and move on, but isn’t that why Jesus takes everything from our chest? The truth is sometimes it’s easy to forget God has forgiven us, but please remind yourself every time you feel choked by your mistakes and imperfections. Say it to yourself till you believe it that Jesus loves you and he has forgiven you even before you sin. You failed him, but with him comes redeeming love. The kind of love that cancels wrongs and starts all over. Let us be humble enough to accept the truth about ourselves … we are imperfect beings capable of doing stupid things. But this does not stop a perfect God from accepting us.
For the past days, I have been seeing the importance of writing to you about forgiving yourself and reminding yourself that you are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. There is no condemnation for you because you are in Christ Jesus and even when you fail according to the standards of the world, it doesn’t change the truth about who you are in Christ. ‘… But ye are not in the flesh, but in the spirit, if so be that the spirit of God dwell in you..’ (Romans 8: 9). The spirit of God dwells in you and is ever ready to help to get back up when you fall. So please, never be trapped by the lie of the devil that you are too deep in sin to be forgiven by God. God knows you are not perfect and that is why he has made grace readily available to us and also the Holy Spirit to help us walk according to what light entails. I am going to write about this and get someone else to write about it. I know the issues of condemnation and forgiveness need to be addressed because the enemy traps a lot of us with it. PLEASE, READ ROMANS 8: 1- 39 AND MEDITATE UPON IT. Nothing can separate you from the love of God, not even your sins and shortcomings. The only thing that can separate you is your attitude, your refusal to get back to God when you fall from the high pedestal you placed yourself (which he didn’t even place you on) and you let your heart be choked by bitterness and self-loathing. I love you, but my love is nothing compared to the love Jesus has for you.
Be safe my darlings. May you never stop basking in the love that Jesus has shed abroad in your heart. You are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus! You are loved! You are forgiven! Accept the freedom darling and let God continue his work in and through you.0