But i love him

Hey, it’s Mayowa again. I told you when i posted  ‘you and i’ that I have quite a number of stories i have written but never published. This is another one of them. Read with an open mind and i hope you get the message i’m trying to pass across.
IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU ARE CURRENTLY UNDERGOING ABUSE, PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO GET OUT OF IT AND IT IS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT. ALSO, FIND THE COURAGE THAT’S ALREADY IN YOU AND TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT. YOU CAN ALSO SEND ME A MAIL @ MAYOWA25@YAHOO.COM. IF YOU KNOW ANYONE LIVING UNDER A MISGUIDED CONCEPTION OF LOVE, PLEASE SHARE THIS STORY WITH THEM AND SHARE ANYWAY ON THE SOCIAL MEDIA YOU USE. YOU NEVER KNOW WHO THIS STORY MIGHT SPEAK TO. THANK YOU HON 🙂
but i love himHe holds me tight like a child scared of being abandoned by his mother… ‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.’ he says as the tears pour freely from his face and wet my cloth. ‘I know baby. I know you didn’t mean to. I’m sorry too. Don’t worry, I understand.’ I’m not really sure I understand. But I say that because I can’t bear to see the pain in his eyes. He is so hurt. He really didn’t mean to. I can see the bitterness in his eyes and I can hear the remorse in his quivering voice. I watch my wounded lion sleep off on my chest and I understand more than ever before why I can never leave him. He needs me just as much as we need air to breathe…

‘Tolani, where are my car keys? Is something holding your tongue? I will be late for work and that won’t be funny.’ I look at him. He looks so different from the man that needed so much love just last night. The lion is back ready to pounce on me if I provoke it yet he calls it love. That’s what I call it too because I know he loves me. With each blow, he lets out the love that heats him up so much it might burn him if he doesn’t. So I let him let it out because I don’t want him to be destroyed by the love like his father was. Is it his fault? He watched his mother treat his father like a nonentity for so long. He listened to his mother tell him how useless and worthless he was for so long and he watched the love kill his father while his mother only continued living life, like the man she was married to for thirty years is not lying 6 feet below the ground. Is it his fault he is damaged good and does not want to end up like his father? Is it his fault he still wakes up at night screaming when he dreams of the nights his mother beat him and wounded his father? Is it my fault that I love him so much I need to protect him? …

but iI’m forced to come back to reality as a slap lands on my face. A slap by the hands I’m so familiar with; the same hands that held on tightly to me last night. The same hands that made me shout with pleasure two nights ago and bring my heart to safety by holding my hands. Yet, the same hands that inflicts pain on me. The same hands that have caused me sleepless nights crying and questioning my sanity… ‘I asked you a question.’ I can see into his soul and I can see the anger ready to erupt. ‘The keys are on the table Daniel; where you left them last night.’ ‘Oh! I thought you took them.’… He leaves me thinking of the conversation I had with my sister two days ago

‘Look at you! You look so unhappy. This is not the sister I know. Please you have to get out. Please Tola’, she said with tears streaming down her face. I didn’t understand why she was crying. Is my situation that bad? Am I just really a walking shadow of who I used to be? ‘Don’t you understand? I can’t leave him Seyi. I love him so much and you know he loves me. You know he does what he does because he loves me. You know he can’t live without me. He needs me. I need to protect him from the pain of his past. Love is about sacrifices and compromises. I love him and it’s a love you might never understand.’ … ‘Who will protect you?’ she asked as her eyes burrowed into mine. The question hung between us as Jasmine her child, came running into my arms. I wiped the lone tear coming out of my eyes and put on a smile I’m so used to putting on in public as I carried her. Seyi only looked at me and in those eyes, I saw her fear. I saw her remembering the independent sister that would never stay with a man that hit her become a ghost.

I know what you are thinking… or I think I do. My cognitive reasoning has been impaired. I was once like you. I would tell my girlfriend to get out of that abusive relationship fast ignoring her plea that she loves him and he loves her. But, it becomes a different story when you are wearing the same shoe. Daniel is damaged and he needs me but I wonder if I only tell myself that because, I’m not strong enough to take back my life and get him real help. They say ‘sometimes you have to let the ones you love go. That’s the real measure of love’ but, I disagree. I’m afraid! Yes I will admit it to you. I’m so used to having him in my life. I’m used to him being vicious one minute and loving the next. I don’t like change. So I can’t get him help like my sister suggests. If I get him help and actually get him to see a psychologist so he can resolve his childhood issues, he might change and become a stranger and all the familiarity that comes with our relationship, goes out the window. It sounds really selfish and makes me look pathetic but, I don’t know what change will do for me. So I will stick to what I know; my comfort zone. Though many will disagree and I will nurse my wounds and stay by my man.

‘I forgot to tell you I love you’, Daniel says as he kisses me passionately before running off promising to bring home with him my favorite flower…

‘Love is patient, love is kind…. It is not easily angered….’ ‘But mother, it’s the same bible that says; love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.’ … ‘You will understand when you have a child of your own, Tola. The scale will come off and you will stop accepting the love you think you deserve and start accepting the one that deserves you’…. My mother says as she smiles at me and takes her leave. Leaving me pondering over what she said just like she knew I would…

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