I love being with you. It makes my body respond in ways I don’t understand. It makes my heart so calm in ways I have failed to make it. My world is complete with you in it. I love that I can talk to you about anything. I love that I can be mad at you and it will be the kind of madness that comes from a place of deep love for you. A place where many people cannot reach. You make my world more beautiful. You Inspire me and sometimes when I look at you, I count myself lucky.
Lucky to have someone who wears his heart on his sleeve… for just me. Lucky to have someone who will stand even when I push. Stand and say I believe in us. I believe in you and I am not giving up. That annoys me you know. When you say you are not giving up. It makes me feel selfish sometimes when I’m barely holding on. But your strength. Your love. Your tenacity. It makes me feel lucky and I know it’s not just a feeling. I am lucky.
I am lucky to have someone that is in love with the being I am in love with. I am lucky to have someone that will readily push me to be better. I am lucky to have a dreamer and a doer. A person whose intellect outmatches the intellect of many I have come across and trust me I have come across a good number of intellectuals. I am lucky to have someone that is willing to give himself completely and honestly for me.
I am a lucky girl and I know I do take it for granted sometimes and that’s cause I am a runner.
I run because I don’t want to need anyone. I fight to keep my independence as if you threaten that when all you actually do is help me to be a better independent person. But there are times that I have come to need you. Times that I have revolved my world around you. Times that I have refused to talk to you for days for not being there when I “needed” you. Times that I doubted why you were my person when you could not be there when I needed you.
In those moments, I so easily forget that you are human. And that I am human. And as humans, we will not always be there for the ones we love, try as we may. We may move heaven and earth to be with the ones we love but there are times that we will be late. There are times that we will be unreachable. There are times that we will be buried deep in our own issues that we need someone to save us, rather than go out there to be someone’s saviour. Times like that show even the greatest lover is just human.
I apologise for those times that I easily forget and yell at you for not being there or doing something that I needed you to do. And I thank you. Because your absence in those times fostered my independence. My independence does not mean I don’t need you. It just means I can do without you. I can live without you. I can breathe without you. I can see the beauty of the flowers coming forth at the turn of spring without you. I can be complete without you.
I used to think it was cute when people would say ‘my other half’, but now I know it sounds cute and romantic but it shouldn’t be. You shouldn’t be my other half. I should be complete without you and so should you. You can compliment me but you shouldn’t complete me. Because if I need you to complete me, then there are mountains I will not climb without you. There are dreams I will not dream without you. There are hurdles that will stretch my whole being and make me better that I would miss without you because you won’t always be there.
But no matter what, I will always be there for myself and you will always be there for yourself. That’s how it should be. I should need myself more than I need you. Will it make me need you less? Maybe. But that’s fine because it will help me love you better because there will be less times that I will be mad at you for not being there. It will help me go out there, do things and be better, so it will be easier for you to compliment me.
You are not my creator. My creator is the only one capable of being ever present.
I apologise for all those times I tried to make you fit into those impossible shoes. My life should go on without you. No one knows tomorrow and if I need you more than I need myself, then I would die if you leave cause I didn’t learn to live without you. You don’t want someone like that, neither do I. So I hope you are fine with the fact that I need myself more. And if you are not, then I am sorry. I can’t make you my saviour at the risk of never learning to save myself.
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