Today, 31st October 2015, I was listening to ‘It is well’ by Bethel and as the lyrics sank in, my spirit began to talk to God with a sense of urgency. ‘Lord, I don’t know what next. I don’t know what exactly I want to do with my life and maybe that was okay before, but it is not okay now. God I need to know. I know Kristene was singing ‘let go my soul and trust in him’ and I do trust in you, but I still need to know what I am going to do after school’.
I am going to publicly say I am one of those people that are not eager to finish school because I know real life begins after school and that scares me to the bones. There was a time in my law and political theory class that we were asked what our plans are after university. A girl in my class said she is going to do masters after because she still needs a year in school to figure out what she really wants to do with her life. She needs time and that extra one year should be a good enough time. I really agreed with her and was very glad to know someone else agrees with me about needing time. This is because a lot of people I have spoken to cannot wait to finish school and do this and that and I really envy them. I envy people that know exactly what they want to do with their lives and it used to really bother me that I only knew my interests, but I didn’t exactly know what to do because I have an unstable mind. I want to do so many things and a lot of times, it is scary and overwhelming because it seems like I don’t have a plan. At some point, I stopped bothering myself and resulted to saying ‘I will be careless in God’s care’ (learnt that from Dupe) and I just focused on whatever it is I was doing at the time. I also prided myself on my many interests and how divergent I indeed am. Unfortunately, for the past days, life has been getting real and I have been feeling like it is no longer okay not to know what to do with my life.
Last night, I told a friend I might want to get two masters degrees, not only because I love education and I feel I don’t have to choose between having masters in psychology and political science, but also because I don’t mind stalling. He asked about the purpose of the two masters and I told him I didn’t want to choose between my two great loves, out of my many loves. He said I can decide to do one and do an online course for the other. It would save me time and money and I adamantly said no. Then he said I know you well enough and I know what you are really scared of is facing the outside world. Then I told him I would also do PHD and again he asked “to what end?” I couldn’t answer. He then said you can get all the degrees you want, but you will still have to leave school someday and face the real world. You can’t keep getting degrees upon degrees because you are scared. When you are 80, will you be able to look back and say I achieved all I really wanted to achieve? I walked in purpose? He asked and I remained mute. He then said I should take a week out and prayerfully figure out what I really want so I wouldn’t waste time doing things that are not in line with my purpose.
I wanted to scream. Scream at him that I have a good idea of what I want to do with my life. I preach about knowing purpose, so of course I take out time to talk to God about my purpose, but that doesn’t mean I am not scared. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to return to that age where I didn’t have to worry so much about the future. It’s so funny how I couldn’t wait to grow up while I was younger and now, I just wish time will stop because I need time to be on my side. It is well by Bethel caused me to pour my heart out to God and this time, I told him it’s not okay not to know. I need to know so there will be a certain degree of certainty.
I am fine. Right now, I am fine because he spoke to me through that song. ‘Through it all, my eyes are on you’. So even through my fear of the future, my eyes are on you lord and I will keep my ears open because I know you will talk to me and tell me where exactly you need me to go and do. Bishop Td Jakes said: before God calls you, he already knows what he is calling you for. He wouldn’t call you if he doesn’t already have an assignment for you and that’s what predestinate means (Romans 8: 30). I am still going to take that week out and pour my heart out to God to open my eyes and give me wisdom and make my heart not rest until I start doing exactly what he wants me to do. But for now, its okay not to know because he knows and no matter what, I know it is well with my soul.
P:S; I am not in any way advocating faith without work. Trusting in God also entails moving, not being static. He has already said you will hear a voice behind you telling you to turn here, so remain in his Vine yard, take steps and let your spiritual antenna be sharp so you will hear him when he is talking to you. Just daily ask for wisdom because wisdom is profitable to direct.0