Just because it’s Valentine’s Day and we are actively all about love today… Or not! Happy valentine’s day my love. May the universe conspire to help meet your expectation (s) today. 😘
Me: Mother, tell me about someone you once loved.
Mother looked up from her painting and smiled at me.
Mother: you mean, other than your father?
Me: yes. Except he was your first and only love.
Mother: oh no, he wasn’t. My love was a tall dark man who never failed to wear his thick glasses. He was like a bat, except a bat that couldn’t see well both at day and night without his glasses. He had broad shoulders and wore a broad smile. He had a soothing voice and loved like he had nothing to lose. My love was a poet and I was his muse. He would whisper sweet nothings to me in a gathering of many and whisper sweet everything to me when we sat alone under the moonlight.
My love was not shy nor ashamed of his love for me. My love carried me about with pride and fought for me like a Lion. My love was the thunder and the calm. My love was full of fire which he never failed to use to warm me up. My love was the one I knew would never leave for he never teased me with his love. My love was a breath of fresh air. He was comfort and comfort was him. My love was honest. My love was a dream I once dreamt but the reality I lived. My love was everything and more.
Me: that’s quite a description mother. Wow! Your love was alot. Your love is what every woman would want.
Mother: indeed, he was what everyone wanted. He knew it but he wanted only me. I was the star that shone brighter than the other stars that wanted his love. I was the star that made him come alive. I was the star and he never made me forget that.
Me: so what happened?
Mother: My love had strings attached that didn’t come in that form. They were subtle but forceful. On the surface, my love loved me for me but really, he didn’t. My love did not understand the stubbornness of my voice. He tried to take the voice away by chipping at it little by little. My love did not understand the space for growth and coming into. My love was always ready and often pushed me right along not bothering to ask if I was ready. My love’s world revolved around me in no time and he didn’t understand nor accept that I needed time for my world to revolve around him. I could not dare say that I didn’t even want my world to revolve around him because my life should remain. I should not be a shadow of myself because of love.
My love almost swallowed me and made me a shadow of myself. I almost hated him for it and I hated myself for it. My love would not allow me to walk out even though he knew he was draining me. I couldn’t keep quiet about it when I was starting to feel too suffocated. My love was the breath of fresh air, but he was also the breath of stale air. He was the love that demanded without giving me room to say no. My love was for a long time everything and more but my heart would not let me rest. She won’t stop telling me that there is more beyond him. There is more beyond the smiles and wails that came with him. There is more beyond the self doubt and self loss that came with him.
Me: and that more came in form of father?
Mother: that more came in form of your father. With him, the air is not always fresh but it’s never stale. An oxymoron I cannot explain. With him, individuality remains key even as we find and make life together. With him, growth is allowed. Love is not given a time frame to blossom into being. With him, talking is not a chore. It’s a gift I get to unravel everyday. with him, life is lived with all its fullness. With him, a home is made.
Me: so what would you tell me to never accept as love?
Mother: never accept a love that wants to break you. Never accept a love that tells you to diminish your voice. Never accept a love that is not patient with you nor kind to you. Never accept a love that makes you lose yourself. Never accept a love that doesn’t give you room to say no. Never accept a love that drains you. Never accept a love that makes you feel like he is the sun and the moon and without him, you can’t be. Never accept a love that truly isn’t home.
Me: hmmm. We should do this more often.
photo credit: donttalktomeaboutlove.org4