What everyone wants to see.

Hello!!! it’s Mayowa once again invading Toy’s space and serving you ramblings from a teenager tired of living a pretence life (it’s both fiction and real). Enjoy and be a darling and hit the share button 🙂

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‘How are you?’ people ask. I don’t know if they are really interested in knowing or if they are just asking out of formality but my answer is ‘fine’ regardless of who is asking and why they are asking. The answer is still fine because whether or not you admit I’m right, fine is what you want to hear. Fine saves you the stress of listening to me talk about how it’s really not fine.

imaIt is not fine! It really isn’t. In that fine, there are many tears, many uncertainties that shows it is not fine.

I am not asking for pity or for you to mock me (well, feel free to do that afterall you are human and you are finally going to get the satisfaction of knowing you are better than me). Well, I feel like a failure! Hey pause! All you inspirational writers that might tell me ‘Oh no darling; you are not a failure. You are only one if you choose to be. Besides failing is one of the prerequisites for success. The most important thing is that you get back up every time you fail and continue’… Bullshit. Err, excuse my language but ya’ll know you are a bunch of hypocrites. Yes! You guys that preach such don’t always follow it. Anyway, I’m not talking about that shallow type of failure.

Guys! I have a failed life and honestly, I don’t know how I got here. I think it started when I kind of stopped being me because I was more interested in portraying an image everyone can see and atleast say ‘He is cool’. I will rather keep to myself but I go out just so my friends won’t say I’m a dulling guy. All these nonsense like smoking, doing girls, clubbing excessively that most guys my age do don’t actually appeal to me but then again what everyone wants to see is a macho male who can do all those meaningless nonsense all in the name of fun. You might call it peer pressure but I don’t know if it is.

I used to think I was so smart. I didn’t think I was Einstein or close but I was confident in my academic abilities if not anything else. But mehn, all that confidence is a blur now. I feel so dumb and unsecure, it baffles and amazes me. I have never been an attention seeker but I didn’t mind it once in a while but now, I stay far under the shadow because I fear you will see my failed life and that’s not what everyone wants to see.

You see, I was a sexy guy. If you like laugh or roll your eyes or say ‘if I hear’. I am telling you the truth bad belle. I was a fine nigga though I wasn’t that much in shape. I decided to let my sexiness ooze out more so all you girls will start chasing after me. I signed up for the gym (working out is not beans) and started losing some weight but instead of sexiness oozing out, insecurity and low self-esteem started splashing in my face. But ofcourse I still act cocky, still act like the male the society defines me to be and some of you might say I’m arrogant after talking to me but that’s my own make-up. Just as some of you ladies wear make-up that transforms you into a totally different person, is the same way. I put on the make-up of someone that knows where he is heading and is so confident afterall that’s what everyone wants to see. None of you wants to hear I cry and eat a lot to try to find some kind of meaning to my life. None of you want to hear that I actually haven’t made out with as many girls as the many as the numbers I have given you.

I love the Lord. I was brought up in a Christian home. images_6Though it was atimes annoying when my folks would force me to go to church, I still loved the Lord. I still had a relationship with him though not as good but that has changed and its killing. I feel so unworthy of HIS forgiveness and so I hide my face from HIM though I know HE is everywhere.images_4

A friend tells me God is opening his arms wide for us and is just waiting for us to come back to him after genuinely repenting. But I can’t even forgive myself for wasting my life all those years watching porn and doing all those stupid stuff that don’t add anything to your life. Seriously dudes. Stop watching porn and masturbating. It’s terrible and without you knowing, you are wasting your lives. Girls, if you are doing it too, stop it. So I want to crawl back to God so I can atleast stop having a failed life. I know relationship with him is ‘IT’ but I’m afraid I don’t know how to get back to him.

People can be so irritating and hard to deal with, siblings inclusive and parent but I just have to deal with them right? So I won’t give myself headache when they do really stupid things that make you want to punch them hard in the face.

All these mushiness ends now. I don’t know what came over me that made me start spilling all that. Ya’ll will now think I’m not a cool dude anymore. You know what, screw you. Excuse my language once again. It’s tiring to try to live up to your expectation or image of me. I’m tired of being what everyone wants to see. It gets old and tiring. images_7

I gotta be me. I gotta see me and work on me and you haters can talk all you want. I’ve got to stop letting you direct my life. Ha-Ha! Now I sound like one of those inspirational speakers. I guess that’s cool huh? No? Well I don’t care about what you think. I think it’s cool.

Peace out Hommies!

Stay true to yourself.

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