So, I have a question for you… What Should I Tell Our Kids?
I sat at the large dining table that always felt too small whenever you were seated there. I held the hot cup of coffee in my hand and looked out the window. Our girls were playing basketball with their brother and that made me smile. It also made me sad because I didn’t know how I was going to tell them that their daddy was not coming home.
How do you explain death to children that are younger than ten years? I know the world has really advanced now and children now know what death is and what sex is and all those things only matured people are meant to do. Atleast that was what we were told by our parents in our own days. But I can’t rely on the advancement in the world and assume our children know what death is. You would have been able to explain it to them. I pushed so many things to you that I wonder how I will really get somethings done now. But I know I will get them done though. You always said I act fast when I am put in fire.
This is fire. Not having you around is hotter than fire actually. I don’t know if something can be hotter than fire, but you are not here to educate me. Okay! So I will tell our kids daddy was a kind man that was shot by someone the society will say is bad, but we are not really sure he is bad though. He was just a young boy that was lost and needed to be found and I am sure he will still be found. He has life, so he has a chance at redemption and getting his life back on the right track.
You know, I am glad the children are too young to ask too many questions and judge me. Betty, our next door neighbor would think I am crazy and maybe even say it to my face if I tell her I am not mad at the young boy that killed you. You were killed doing your job and it’s part of the job. It’s part of the things I signed up for and you managed to prepare me about the risks that comes with being a policeman. I did agree to elope with you and break my father’s heart. I chose you over my father’s forgiveness knowing that the gun you used to protect yourself might be the one to kill you someday and I won’t have my family to comfort me. But at least I will have your children’s faces to look at. That’s why I wasted no time in letting you leave yourself in me. If I will have no love from my family, I will have from our children who will give real and free love. Not the love that gives you conditions and plans out your life for you, without allowing you have a say.
Betty would not understand that the boy was coerced into robbing that bank by the macho male in his team and he didn’t really want to shoot you. You made me understand that at the hospital when you told me he mouthed sorry to you before piercing your soul with his bullet. As death engulfed you, you still managed to pray to God to strengthen me for the journey ahead. A journey I must embark on without you. How kind of you to tell me to pray for the boy that took you away from me. But I will do that because you were never wrong and if you say the boy doesn’t really want to live the life he is living, then I will pray for him. I refuse to be mad at the doctors that failed in keeping you alive. After all, they are not the giver of life. They can only try their best.
I will tell your kids that you have now become a part of the soul of the world. You will never come home, but you will always be in their heart. They might not understand until they don’t see you around consistently. Maybe then, they will start understanding that death takes the body away forever, but it does not have the power to take the memories away. Their memory of you will keep them warm when life is getting too cold. I will tell them that you made my life better, but not just mine. You were ever so gracious and kind to many. I will let them know what despite the many cruelty in this world, you never allowed that to define your world, and like you, they also can. They can be gracious and love with their whole being, even though it’s not the norm in the world.
I promise to try my best to keep your angels smiling no matter what life throws at them. This is just the first of their challenges and they will get through this. I will get through this.
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